Easier said than done

I feel as if people always tell me, “you just need to relax.” What they don’t realize is how difficult this is for someone suffering from anxiety. It isn’t just done in one simple step. There are hundreds of steps some of us have to go through to get to a point of relaxation. A point of where we feel like we are sane again. My anxiety hits me hardest at night before I go to bed. I will be watching a show before bed and BAM I can’t breathe. My heart starts racing and my mind thinks of awful scenarios. I always think the worst is going to happen. I’m not sure why God gave me this disorder. Maybe because he thought I can fight through it. It is a constant battle everyday, but some days are better than others. I can go weeks without having an attack then out of no where one will hit me.

I go through all these thoughts in my head to calm myself. The “it’s okay” and “it’s only in my head” thoughts. The basic ones any anxiety sufferer knows of. Working out used to calm me down but recently it’s made it worse. Deep breathing has also failed miserably these past few weeks. When the attacks hit me before bed I have realized tickling my arm helps calm me. Weird, I know, but that is something my grandparents and mom have always done growing up. It puts me right to sleep. I never thought doing it to myself would actually work but I’ve been desperate. If I could hire my own personal arm tickler I definetly would (I wonder if any exist). If anywhere in the future I get filthy rich you better believe this is the first thing I will pay for before a house or a new car.

I am in the midst if discovering steps I need to take to calm my mind and recover from my disorder. I know that it will always be there and can pop up at any moment, but I want to lessen the effects it has on my mind. Plus, long term anxiety can have major effects on physical health. If people believe this is only mental it isn’t. It causes plenty of underlying health problems. If those can be avoided I will do anything to do so. Recently cutting out plenty processed foods out of my diet and beginning a fitness challenge soon. I’m hoping focuses my goals a positive way will help me on my journey. I want to be a healthy human being mind, body, and spirit. It all begins with some steps in the right direction and I think I have made mine.

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Holding On: My Journey With Antidepressants.

So honest! I love this

The Manifest-Station

Holding On: My Journey With Antidepressants. By Angela Giles Patel.

The most dangerous time for me are the moments after I remember that I forgot to take my medication. This is the time when I can convince myself that I am on the path to weaning myself from the required daily dose, that I am already hours into a medication free life and can keep going, that there is no time like the present, that I will be okay.

I have been on anti-depressants since I was fifteen and first prescribed a tricyclic. Though I cannot recall it among the string of arguments with my mother, there must have been something I said that jolted her. I was unhappy and articulate which meant that I could tell her with venomous precision just how much sadness I was experiencing. And I did so, on a regular basis, telling her how I…

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Sick and anxious

Sickness really takes over my whole mental state. Yes, I have anxiety but it has been worse as a result of being sick. For 3 weeks now I have been petrified to leave my hour in case I get sick. It is holding me back from so many daily activities I love, such as the gym. And also some I don’t like as much such as work. Every time I leave my house I feel extremely nauseous and think I’m going to throw up. I never do but I get hot and sweaty. Anytime I begin to feel nauseous my anxiety hits me like bus. Full impact: can’t breathe, hearts racing, lightheaded, can’t think straight. Of course all of this makes my nausea 100x worse. Blood results will be in on Monday to hopefully give me some answers this. It’s been a couple weeks of hell being me. It has been bringing me down and making me even more unhappy. I am stressed that the doctors won’t be able to diagnose my problem and that I will be living with this. I do not cope well with my anxiety so I’m just praying for some answers. Apparently being extremely healthy and fit doesn’t make you prone to problems with your body, but all I can do is hope. This is really a setback though considering I was going to enroll in a fitness competition Monday with the beautiful online trainer, Katy Hearn. Her stuff is great and I would be honored to learn more things about fitness from the best. If you are into fitness or looking to be I recommend looking her up. Can only keep my head up and keep pushing forward to make a full recovery and get back in the gym. 

Tree of Life

I have been looking a lot into symbols lately and came across the Tree of Life. A very catholic and meaningful symbol. I have a necklace of it that I had bought months ago before researching it. In the past couple weeks it has become very sacred to me. It represents eternal life, which is the obvious meaning people think of. What I love most is that it means things can always be new once again and you can start over. In the winter months trees lose their leave and are bare. When spring comes around again they become full of life once again. It doesn’t die just becomes new. Life has been rocky lately, but I keep remembering that things can always be better. This is not the end and things will always be better and more beautiful. You always have the chance to start over whenever you chose. It all depends if you have the courage to keep moving forward. Better things are always ahead just have faith. 

ANXIETY ANXIETY ANXIETY

Last night I by far had the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had before. I think what made it so scary is that I was away from home without a family member to calm me down like they usually do. Laying down to go to bed and all of a sudden I can’t breathe. My heart starts pounding and it feels like I’m getting no air. The feeling of not being able to breathe is awful. You take deep breaths in through your mouth, and out through your nose, but it doesn’t work. My heart rate is still speeding up and I am just looking for comfort

The worst part about anxiety attacks is that you cause them yourself. If you worry about something too much, then your mind will play tricks on you. The only thing I can keep telling myself is, “This will pass,” or “everything is okay.” Meditating often helps, but with a friend who doesn’t know about your condition, it just looks silly. Why me? I over analyze everything. Once I get one anxiety attack, that means more than one will occur. Usually over a period of a week. 

I’m on a beautiful beach here on the Jersey Shore, so why can’t I relax?

Beachin’

Laying on the beach, feet in the water, and drinking a Yoohoo. Typical day here in New Jersey. It may have only been 80 degrees here, but it was a huge difference from Michigan. This is the exact break I needed from the real world. Here there are no cares. I can sit on the front deck looking over the ocean.  Enjoy the simple in life is was they say right? Who needs all the fancy things when nature has it all. The beach and water is the most beautiful thing in the world. Of course I have not seen much of the world but still. From what I have, I love the ocean the most. With the windows open at night I can hear the waves breaking on shore. Just silence, waves, and a breeze off the water. Bittersweet to leave places like this, but that is what makes trips worth it. You wait months just to come and see this one sight. So worth the wait. It makes it a lot more enjoyable after a 12 hour car ride just to make it here.